Overcoming the Verbal Jiu-Jitsu of Spiritually Abusive Communities
Julia and I tend to hang out in left-leaning circles, where there’s a tendency to mimic our academic idols by inserting complex terminology like “decolonization” and “patriarchy” into everyday conversations and arguments. This practice seems to use buzzwords to foster a sense of belonging to a broader ideological community. If I use words like decolonize and patriarchy, I must be a liberal.
EMPish communities also have their own vast lexicon. One of the more thorough explorations of the Evangelical lexicon is Anne Bruehler’s dissertation “Talking about God, Self, and Relationships: How First Year Students used Christianese to Construct Identity at a Faith-Based University.” Dr. Bruehler describes how performance of lingo, such as “ask Jesus into my heart”, “calling”, and “faith walk,” help students establish themselves within the larger values and practices of the community. She describes:
“Membership in IWU’s (Indiana Wesleyan University’s) community of practice is not just about naming God as the agent but knowing when to either passivate or activate God, given the topic or category that is being discussed. Looking at actual language use among the participants revealed particular patterns of activation and passivation of God in different categories, patterns employed by members of the community of practice to help form their identity and secure their place in the community” (p. 115).
Bruehler’s work is descriptive, an extensive how-to manual of how students adopt language from the larger Evangelical vernacular to inform practices, such as testimony, a one-on-one relationship with God, and living a righteous life, and identification as Christian.
If Bruehler’s work explores how people construct identities, our work does the opposite of that. Deconstruction is the practice of unlearning, questioning and undefining previously unquestioned terminology and ideas.
In Evangelical, Mormon, and Pentecostal (EMPish) faiths, not adhering to the prescribed language, or failing to practice and embody the community's definitions of these terms, carries serious moral repercussions.
This month, we’re talking about the practice of spiritual abuse, which Julia defines in our most recent episode of Sexvangelicals as:
Invoking a religious text or deity as a way to maintain power and control over both individuals and communities.
Spiritual abuse is a form of verbal jiu-jitsu, where language gets used to create winners and losers, insiders and outsiders, with negative implications, from derision to eternal damnation, for those who lose. Here are three practices for the exevangelical community to use to avoid replicating the linguistic systems we were conditioned by:
Define your terms, especially the jargon. While some terms have definitions that are widely accepted, others, like 'deconstruction' and 'spiritual abuse,' are unique to the specific communities you're part of. These words carry meanings that resonate differently within each group. It's important to clarify and explore these nuances – ask others how they understand these terms, and discuss the similarities or differences in interpretation.
Cite your sources. Very few ideas are original, and the original ideas often take hundreds of pages to describe, such as Lindsay Cormack’s and Anne Breuhler’s work. Make references to articles, books, podcast episodes. And make sure that you have read the books and articles that you’ve referenced.
Ask questions. This is actually the most important of the three topics. When someone uses a word that you don’t know the definition to, ask “What does that mean?”, “How did you hear about that?”, or “What’s an example of what that looks like in real life?”
While there are lots of individual spaces for folks to overcome the acute stress of spiritual abuse, truly eradicating spiritual abuse happens in conversation among groups. Julia and I engage in this through our work in couples and relational therapy. We’re eager to connect with those who share our interest in transforming relationship practices as a means to lessen the effects of spiritual abuse.
I’m really glad to have you on this journey!
Let’s heal together!
Jeremiah and Julia