S9E07: Ask a Sex Therapist: What if I Want to Have Sex with Other People? With Becs Waite and Jimmy Bridges of This Space Between.
This spring, Julia and Jeremiah are answering ten of the most common questions they hear from clients, exvangelicals, and the larger cultural zeitgeist.
One of the most common questions is "What if I want to have sex with other people?"
In this episode, Julia and Jeremiah are joined by Becs Waite and Jimmy Bridges from the practice This Space Between to talk about factors, considerations, and first steps for those interested in opening up their relationship.
High Control Religions & Anxiety (8:00): Julia says, “ I imagine that your excitement is really helpful when you work with couples, especially when anxiety could be high. Because for so many people, especially from high-control religious backgrounds, this is an overwhelming topic and often overwhelming in a way that can be really scary. And I think excitement and hope from your therapist could be a good.”
Spectrum of Options (11:00): Jeremiah notes, “One of the common concerns from church leaders was, "Our church members wanna talk about polyamory." And polyamory is one specific way of doing an open relationship, but there's also 15, 20 other types of ways that one can do an open relationship. And so one of the things that's important to start a conversation is recognizing that the spectrum of options is vast and wonder if we can start by defining some terms.”
Non-Monogamy as an Identity (14:00): Jimmy shares, “Non-monogamy can be painted as this lifestyle and that's something you do, you physically act out. And for some that works and that makes sense. And for others, it's a lot more nuanced, a lot more core to identity and paradigm and philosophy than just like, I'm trying this out for this summer because I got time.”
Tolerance (20:00): Becs explains, “ I'm assessing for clarity first and foremost, wanting to see if each partner has clarity about why it is important to them, but also seeing if there's clarity, if each partner understands why it's important to their partner. That gives me a good sense of where they're at and being able to tolerate those differences. Because when we have that tolerance, we are able to consider a different perspective without feeling like our own experience is being threatened.
Dismissing Myths (27:00): Becs says, “Compersion is fantasy. I mean, it's wonderful when it happens, but you know that's not accessible for all people and it's not accessible all the time. It is like a very binary way of thinking about our emotional experiences. Like either it's gonna be this "terrible thing"--jealousy--or it's gonna be this wondrous thing, and it's like what happened to everything in between and why is that now not considered and not, if it is considered, it's not good enough.”
Jealousy (28:00): Julia shares, “ I'm even thinking about experiences that I've had of jealousy with Jeremiah … And when I've sat down and thought about, oh, what does this jealousy mean for me? And I have needed to sit with jealousy in order to access personal and relational growth. And certainly that happens around sexuality and additional relationships.”
Confidence (32:00): Becs offers, “ If a couple is well supported, they're going to feel a lot more confident, a lot more grounded. They're gonna find more ease in tolerating those differences than a couple that is doing this in isolation. And so therapy is great, coaching is great, and also more is needed. So building that community and often folks are really excited to get on dating apps to find new partners. And I also encourage folks to think about using dating apps and other avenues of connecting for the purpose of building community.”
Being Realistic (37:00): Jeremiah says, “ Part of prepping for it is also recognizing the natural limitations in our lives. That, you know for instance for me, I would like to conceptualize oh, sure, I'd like an open relationship. That seems like a great idea. I also know that I can really only focus on like one or two relationships at a time."
Love Running Out (42:00): Jimmy adds, “What you all have just spoken to is the logistical side of like, how much love can go around. But if I think about that, bell hooks talked about this in one of her books. I'm paraphrasing the kind of concept, but love is as love does that love is not just this like amorphous thing, this idea, it's like a practice. And in that sense, yeah, mine has its limitations. And the myth that there is love does run out, but we don't necessarily think of it in this way when we think about kids. Like parents to their kids. That their love decreases for every child that comes into their family.”
Reality Television (44:00): Julia discusses, “That's one of the themes that comes up in certain reality dating show contests. But reality TV isn't value neutral. It reinforces all kinds of social and cultural narratives. And one of the ones that I noticed coming up so often was, how can you have feelings or how can you love … multiple people we're different.”
Polyamory & Parenting (45:00): Becs brings up a common myth, “One thing that Jimmy and their co-parent have done really well … but in regards to this was really in a developmentally appropriate way, inviting [Jimmy's child] into understanding that relationships can look so many different ways. And her experience of polyamory is unique. I don't think a lot of nine year olds get this experience, but it has been really normalized for her. And that's not to say she doesn't have questions that come up that are challenging as all kids do, but this doesn't feel threatening or incongruent or hard for her.”
Logistics (50:00): Jimmy discusses his principles of an agreement conversation, “ The first is, is slowing it down. Slowing down the process, slowing down the conversation. Two is getting thorough and that means engaging with the meaning of why this agreement, this specific agreement is being asked for. Is it logistical, is it safety? Does it reflect a history like that?”
Holding Nuance (58:00): Becs notes, “ I think that is what I want to invite to anyone who's listening to this, who's considering opening up. I think if you can hold onto nuance, which includes our ability to experiment, our ability to hold compassion for ourselves and others, that is the resource I would want you to have is the ability to hold nuance.”