S9E05: Ask a Sex Therapist: How Do I Have My First Orgasm? With Erica Smith
This spring, Julia and Jeremiah are answering the ten most common questions that we receive as sex therapists. In this episode, they explore the question, "How do I have my first orgasm?"
If you haven't had an orgasm before and you want to have orgasms, messages about "just taking it off the pedestal" and focusing on other areas of pleasure can be really minimizing and dismissive, even if, in the long run, they are helpful.
J+J are joined by the amazing Erica Smith, sex educator and founder of Purity Culture Dropout. Join Julia, Jeremiah, and Erica for an hour long conversation about:
Focusing on Orgasm (3:00): Julia kicks us off, “ Today's episode focuses on orgasm, especially the orgasm that you might have with you yourself, and whatever genital you possess.”
Taking Orgasm off the Pedestal (8:00): Julia offers this metaphor, “ If you haven't had an orgasm or you want to have orgasms, messages about just taking it off the pedestal and focusing on other areas of pleasure can be really minimizing and dismissive."
Root of Orgasmic Pleasure (10:00): Erica notes, “ If you have a vulva, that means you have a clitoris. And I want people to know that all orgasmic pleasure is rooted there.“
If it Feels Good - It’s Bad Ideology (14:00): Erica highlights, “I start by asking what their relationship to pleasure in general … "If it feels good, it's gotta be bad." … That's a direct quote I've heard from some of my clients.
Slow it Down (18:00): Jeremiah says, “I'm actually working through a couple of male individuals in therapy who are like, you aren't helping me orgasm fast enough. And I'm like, "Well, we need to slow this down. We need to understand what the source of anxiety is." And same thing kind of with women, with anyone who's pursuing orgasm. Pace is an important part of this.”
Optics of Masturbation (24:00): Erica reminds us, “ So reminder to clients in this situation that no one's watching. You don't have to be sexy for someone else in thismoment. If you were making the weirdest face and you were humping a pillow across your bed and you're touching your nipple in a certain way, and that's the one way you can orgasm, then that is great. it doesn't matter what exactly you're doing in that moment.”
Your Clitoris isn’t a Button (27:00): Erica notes, “ So I think it's helpful for clients to know that there are so many different ways you can actually stimulate your clitoris. You don't just need to go … treating it like it's a button”
Setting the Stage (33:00): Julia says, “ What I've noticed is that when I am talking with folks about masturbation, when this is new to them, when they haven't had an orgasm, we do a lot of setting the stage for masturbation.”
De-stigmatizing Masturbation (39:00): Erica shares, “Sometimes it just really begins with de-stigmatizing masturbation … Did you know in Victorian England, they didn't want pornography to be accessible to the working class because they thought it would distract from their productivity?”
Top Tips (42:00): Erica runs us through her top tips for achieving orgasm, the first being: “ Starting with a slow buildup is always a good idea, and that can look different depending on who you are. So for some people, that slow buildup could be beginning to touch your body gently from the top down.
Practice (46:00): Julia adds, “ Release actually takes practice. I'm thinking about for so many folks at the end of a workday, how they actually need to put in some work to be able to release their bodies and cultivate whatever it is that they want, whether it's something sexual or not. Perhaps I would add if you're new to masturbation, that it probably will take some practice.”
Specifics of Sexual Fantasy (51:00): Jeremiah says, “ That's one of the downsides of relying on PornHub: You can just click on a button, but there really isn't an active engagement in the manual simulation process. And so I encourage a lot of men that I work with to read erotica. This is another really good process to help men take the time, slow down and say, okay, What are the specifics of my sexual fantasy?"