Episode #51: Holiday Horror Stories: Ten Tips for Navigating Infertility, with Dr. Niko Wilson
One in six people worldwide experience infertility, according to the World Health Organization.
As the holiday season focuses on the celebration of children and families, infertility creates its own holiday horror story for individuals and relationships who experience it.
We're excited to have Dr. Niko Wilson, director of the Couples and Family Therapy program at William James College, join us for a special episode of Sexvangelicals.
Dr. Wilson's research focuses on the qualitative experience of infertility; also, each of the three of us have been personally impacted by infertility in some capacity. Join us for conversations about:
Being Seen During the Holidays (6:30): Niko explains, "“During] the holidays, there's an expectation of energy levels and expectation of engagement and positivity. And yet we can't put a pause on the things that we're actually experiencing in our personal lives. And so I think being able to be mindful of how to hold both intentions at the same time...can create room for connection and for people to feel heard and seen and supported and safe.”
Pressures of Distance and Proximity (12:00): Niko shares, "Proximity might equal pressure, but distance can equal isolation. They're two sides to the same coin. Each person has to tune in and communicate with their partner. And if they can do that, then they can create the environment that they want for the holidays. But both sides of the spectrum come with difficulties.”
Gatekeeping Grief During IVF (15:00): Jeremiah talks about his time running groups about IVF: “What commonly came up in those groups was how partners felt this obligation to shepherd [and] to gatekeep around the emotional experience, the grief that their female partners were going through. That one that came at the expense of them accessing their own emotional experiences, their own sense of grief."
Benefits of Relational Satisfaction (18:00): Niko discusses infertility-related research: "We can see that when one partner is experiencing more relationship satisfaction or connection to their partner, the other partner actually feels less depression related to their infertility or less shame related to their infertility. So I think that that really speaks to the crux of how partners can support each other during the holidays."
Children and the Holidays (26:00): Niko reflects on the child-centric nature of the holidays: “It can leave people feeling like if they don't have children to bring the family to have these experiences, then a lot of times people say that something feels like it's missing. Like there's something lacking, which actually compounds on the emotions of shame and sadness and guilt and loss and grief, because this is not in our control.”
Navigating Feeling Invisible (32:00)": Julia shares, “I’ve also noticed that folks want to be supportive around these really difficult issues, but they don't always know how often because they want to be sensitive to the vulnerability of it. I am grateful that on Mother's Day, typically my mom will acknowledge that I've had two pregnancy losses. And she's usually one of the only people to do so...I've sometimes wondered, "Do other people in my life not know how to ask me about this?"
Wanting to be Supportive Without Knowing How (34:00): Niko encourages, “A lot of times, we tend to kind of recoil when we don't know how to engage, we get uncomfortable. We'd rather not cause more harm. So I'm just not going to say anything. So if you start with, "I want to be here for you, if you'll let me, how can I be helpful to you? What do you need from me?" Then you can create an open dialogue.”
Communicating and Sitting with Grief (38:00): Jeremiah describes an experience that intersected the holidays, infertility, and ensuing silence. He ponders, “I wonder what might have been different had my parents and I found some sort of a way to talk about that. Because in this conversation, we're talking mostly about the partner's situations, but I'm also finding myself sitting with the grief of that experience as an eight-year-old.”
Societal Acknowledgement (41:00): Julia describes, "I wish other people in my life would even just acknowledge that something might be uniquely painful for me emotionally or physically, whether or not that's part of their experience. Sadly, I have other folks in my life who have experienced infertility or pregnancy loss, and so over the holidays, we'll check in with each other. But I think it would be so powerful to have more acknowledgment from the broader society and from the people who aren't our partners or the people who aren't in our support groups, or who aren't personally experiencing.”
Grieving within a Positive Moment (43:00): Niko encourages folks to be "brave enough to say in the moment when you need to process the emotion that's coming up. I think a lot of times, if I'm in a positive experience or there's a fun thing happening around me, my brain says, well, no, you can't feel that right now. And yet it would probably breed even more closeness and connection if it did come up in the moment, as opposed to feeling like you have to hold it and contain it and keep it secret.”
Endometriosis During the Holidays (46:00): Niko describes, "The reality is that we might have a really fun date like that planned. And then I might be having a pain flare up or, and then I'm totally limited or I don't feel like engaging in anything sexual or romantic because my body is telling me a different story in the moment. And I think for me, what has happened a lot in the past is that instantly kind of triggers this feeling of shame because you feel like you don't have any control over your own body, and then you kind of get sucked into that mindset. And so I think it's especially difficult with those pressures.”
Emotional Aftercare and Rest During the Holidays (53:00): Niko concludes, "When we have action, then we need rest. And when you were talking about the holidays, there's so much output of energy in these holiday months. And then the season passes and we need rest. January is recovery month. It's rest month. It's processing, or it's taking space and being distracted doing something fun, or doing what you need to do to recover. It doesn't have to look like intensive therapy. It could be whatever it needs to be for those partners.”
A huge thanks to Niko for her wisdom and willingness to share her story. If you suffer from or have experienced pregnancy loss, infertility, and/or endometriosis, please know that you're not alone.
Let's heal together!