What Do I Do When My Family Brings Up Their Religious Beliefs?

I want to give a huge shout out to my Mom.

She and I live in completely different worlds.

She’s in Texas. I’m in Europe.

She lives in a small town. I live in a city.

She religiously attends church, in spite of health issues that make it hard to get out. I don’t attend church, in spite of good health and a strong desire for community.

She listens to our podcast, so she knows way more about me than I’m probably aware that she knows.

And whenever we talk, she always asks a few questions about how and why I believe what I believe. Not in a “gotcha” kind of way. And given my experience with other church folks, I’m hyperaware of when questions, regardless of political spectrum, are “gotcha” questions, and I have no tolerance for them.

Mom’s questions are curious. They’re thoughtful. She genuinely wants to get to know this evolving late-30-something.

Last Christmas, she and my dad talked with me for the first time about being a transracial adoptee. (For more on this, check out Episode 45: How I Got Really Good at Assimilating as an Interracial Adoptee, and What I Lost in the Process, with Jeremiah.) They initiated the conversation, and I mentioned that I didn’t know how to talk about my experience as a Hispanic person in a White world. They apologized for not knowing how to talk with me about race as well—after all, nobody had talked with them about race. We hugged. It was a really beautiful moment.

I’m lucky.

I realize that many people in the exvangelical community won’t have these moments, either because older generations are eager to hold onto their religious constructs at the expense of relationships, and/or because the pain of younger generations is too intense to even engage in these conversations without devolving into criticism.

After all, moving out of religious contexts is a shift to the family system. Systems theory reminds us that when one person in a family system changes, the other members of the family often double down on their positions, with the intent of converting the changing family member back to their familiar role, identity, and perspectives.

Toni Morgan (currently at St. Norbert College) and colleagues at the University of Nebraska recently published an article entitled in which they talk about how families with religious differences talk effectively (and ineffectively). The language they use is “accommodative communication”, with structures similar to the relationship I have with my parents, and “nonaccommodative communication”, which has the following three characteristics.

1. Inappropriate self disclosure. A nonconsensual conversation about religion (or non-religion). Ideally, whenever a conversation gets started, there’s buy-in from both parties as to what the topic and potential direction might be. In this case, a conversation about religion (or non-religion) gets brought up spontaneously, compulsively, and with judgment.

2. Emphasizing divergent values. A conversation that’s initiated with a focus on criticizing differences in beliefs.

3. Giving unwanted advice. An extension of #1, the advice is typically rooted in religious principles that may not align with the principles and values of the other person. Morgan notes that these comments may be viewed as “patronizing or controlling”.

Pay attention to the ways that people in your family system practice these three types of nonaccommodative communication.

And more importantly, pay attention to the ways that you practice these three types of nonaccommodative communication.

If you’re in a family system that is prone to nonaccommodative communication, consider these strategies:

1. What are the commonalities between you and your parents (or you and your child)? Build a relationship that centers around those commonalities.

2. Ask for permission to talk about religion and politics! And wait until there’s a clear “Yes” or “No” answer to continue.

3. Ask specific questions, and frame your questions as an opportunity to get to know the other person, rather than trying to convert someone or change their minds? What are your values? What do you see as your purpose in life? How do you want to make the world a better place?

The ability to be curious with other family members will inform the ways that you’re able to be curious and present with relational and sexual partners as well!

Let’s heal together!