Three Sexual Scripts
This question may seem a bit voyeuristic at first glance, but humor us for a second.
If a film director were to write a script that notates everything that happens during your sexual experience, what would the final product be?
What dialogue would be present?
What would the stage directions be? What body movements (facial, hands, legs, feet, as well as pelvic movements) would be highlighted?
Who would initiate sex? How would the initiation strategies be documented to the actors?
How would the sexual scene end?
Each sexual relationship has a sexual script. A common initiator. Common physical activities, and often a common order for those physical activities. Common words that are spoken (or, more frequently, are unspoken).
The more that a couple has sex in a specific way, the more rigid that sexual script becomes. And that’s where problems around sexuality, particularly in long-term relationships, commonly begin to happen.
Kirstin Mitchell, professor at the Institute of Health and Wellbeing at the University of Glasgow, writes that couples tend to have three common sexual scripts.
Biomedical sexual script. This sexual script focuses on the functioning of genitalia and centers around the importance of penetrative sex and orgasm.
Relational sexual script. This sexual script highlights the emotional connection and security of a relationship. Sex become an intimate act that requires both partners to make themselves vulnerable.
Erotic sexual script. This sexual script centers on pleasure, rather than penetration. Novelty and excitement are high values of this sexual script.
Each sexual script is fueled by expectations around gender, race, and other sociological variables, all of which require their own separate blog posts.
Mitchell and her colleagues suggest that the biomedical sexual script is the most universally accepted understanding of healthy sexuality, which in and of itself promotes the rigidification of the biomedical sexual script by seeking the most fantastical orgasm and penetrative positions that can help achieve said orgasm.
Which of these three sexual scripts most commonly happens in your sexual relationship? Which of these three sexual scripts would you like to explore?
The rigidity of the biomedical sexual script, and the ensuing rigid expectations that it places on bodies, is at the core of many of our sex therapy work.
Diversity of the sexual script is one of the hallmarks of healthy sexuality relationship in a long-lasting relationship.
Take some time with your partner to talk about what sexual scripts might look like in each of the above three categories, and pay attention to the nuanced different interactions that you talk about.
Have so much fun! And let us know if you’d like help navigating these conversations through couples therapy, by contacting either Jeremiah or Julia.